How To Manage Being Extremely Sweaty but Always in a Rush
1. First rule of thumb, (the rest are in no particular order) OWN IT.
Oh well - you sweat! Most of us do! Minus the 0.5% (side note: this is a completely educated but made up number – I couldn’t find much scientific data regarding the number of people diagnosed with this particular disease as it is extremely rare, and fairly fatal) of people who don’t have the luxury of sweating – Diagnosis: Anhidrosis.
And when I say “luxury” OH, I MEAN IT!
‘Luxury’ because our bodies have this amazing ability to cool itself off, allowing us to be in direct sunlight, tan (or burn), play our favorite sports; and more importantly, not pass out when you first get into the car after its been baking in 90 degree heat for 4 hours before the air conditioning finally kicks in – I’d call that not only a luxury, but also a blessing!
Layers are your friend - unload and reload as I like to say (I’ve never actually said that before but it’s been said now, so that’s all that matters). It’s the worst when you decide today was the day to wear a hoodie without a shirt underneath because when (yes, WHEN) you get too hot and too sweaty you can’t just take it off; you’ll have to bare the sweat bath. I’ve made that mistake one, too many times - and believe me, if the sun doesn’t do it, the indoors (a class, an office building, the bank, etc.) WILL do it. And it’ll probably only be one degree too high, but that’ll trigger the Niagara Falls of your body.
The ONLY acceptable time to wear a hoodie à la carte is when it’s 50 degrees Fahrenheit or below and you are undoubtedly sure that every building you enter is not heated nor insulated... good luck with that!
3. You’re gonna sweat... and you’re gonna sweat a lot. It’s more of a mental thing than anything - like most things, if you walk around confident (in this case: your wet body is not a problem to you) it’ll be less of a problem to others. Something I do (which may or may not be for everyone) is when an opportunity presents itself, I’ll point out my sweat so other people don’t have to ... that sounded weird, lemme make it more clear by providing an example:
I was at work; I had and was currently carrying very heavy things; running around, up and down stairs - working up a pretty good forehead, nose, and neck sweat. One guy I work with was sitting at the bar while I was filling up the ice bins, chuckled at my semi-heavy breathing and asked “how are you??” to which I responded “Sweaty, you??” See… smooth, unwarranted, but appropriate mention of sweat.
4. Wipe it off on your clothes (unless the clothing item is a light Grey color) or your other damp extremities (ie: hand, arm, shoulder, etc.)
Shoot! Wipe it on your friend for all I care! Just make sure it’s a true friend that will find it funny – otherwise I’d strongly advise against it.
5. (This is KEY) Bring D.O. fo dat B.O.!! Body spray might be nice too but if you think you might overdue it with the spray (yeah, I’m talkin’ to you teenage boiz with that AXE spray - no matter how much spray you put on, your dirty body won’t smell better #PlzJustShower) then forget it! ONLY bring the spray for a special occasion (a date, an anniversary, a party) and one - yes ONE - spritz will do, my friend.
6. Plan accordingly.
Plan ahead! Just so you have at least 2 extra minutes to scurry into the bathroom, and dry your ‘did you just get sprayed by a hose on your way in’ face off.
Advisory Note: PLEASE DRINK WATER. With all the water your obsessively sweaty body gives off, you could potentially be dehydrated. In fact, most people are dehydrated to an – obviously – nonfatal extent; so even if you are not a sweaty person but are ‘just reading this for your friend’, you probably also need to drink more aqua; so drink LOADS and LOADDDZZZ of water! Ideally, you should consume the same amount of water you lose to stay at #homeostasis (thank you high school biology). But since nobody wants (nor has the time) to be that meticulous with their water loss and intake, lets stick to the recommended 8 glasses a day or more.
7. Paper towels are great too. Maybe even bring some baby wipes?
In general, yes, paper towels are pretty great… at soaking up spills and it really depends on the quality of the brand. #DidIDadJokeRight??
They are also great at dabbing (don’t you DARE make any mention of that “dance” move) sweat away.
And yes, this high key resembles the pastor in the authentically black church that I attended as a child, who is really excited about the Bible verse he’s preaching - so much so, that he is literally yelling with enthusiasm and working up a sweat that only a CrossFit workout should produce. But hey, it is what it is – and God is good.
8. Dry Fit.
For those of you who have money or can ask for Christmas gifts from Santa, you should try and get your hands (or Christmas lists) on some Dry Fit apparel. I haven’t done enough experimentation to give you definitive results yet (#RollinOnDatCollegeBudget), but for the most part, Dry Fit is pretty good at wicking away some (not all) sweat – way better than that Polyester tee from target.
9. Be conscious about the fabrics and colors you choose.
Cotton is probably your best friend if you tend to be on the sweatier side of the spectrum: the fabric is extremely breathable, allowing air in and odors out. The downside: unlike polyester (cotton’s evil stepmother), cotton has a tendency to shrink in the dryer so Note To Self: hang those bad boys up!
Dry Fit (mentioned in #8), Chambray (basically cotton, but a higher thread count = even more breathable but also more expensive), rayon, linen, athletic wear (#Ath-leisure) are also great options.
But relatively speaking, if you can’t (or won’t) keep up with all this fabric hulla-ba-loo, I suggest a rule of thumb: stick to lighter (as in “less heavy” and “not dark”) clothing items - The thinner the barrier between the outside world and your temperamental skin, the more likely you’ll cool off more efficiently.
In respect to colors, lighter (as in “less dark”) colors tend to reflect more light than its darker counterparts; this, in turn, reflects more heat as well (BAM! #Chemistry). And for you math junkies: Lighter colors = more heat reflected = cooler temperature minus a sweaty body. #CoveringAllBases
10 . Walk around naked (in an enclosed private space, or nudist beach because we don’t need anybody getting tickets for public indecency here). Your body (as in, your pores and crevices #SorryNotSorry) needs to breathe; and over a longer period of time, it may help decrease some constant, more-extreme odors and sweat spells. However, extreme odors are not (physiologically) a problem (though they may irritate a nose or two), if you happen to experience new odors (that is: smells coming from your own body that you don’t recognize) see a doctor – just to be on the safe side. You should always know what’s going on with your body and unrecognizable odors could potentially be a sign of something else going on.
And finally, to end on a more “sweat-positive” note: I will say, being sweaty has a certain grace period… what I would call the golden hour of sweating: the #GlistenHour - if you will.
It’s where the sweat is just BARELY starting to come through - fooling people with what looks like the Greek goddess dewy sun-kissed glow of the century: begging the question, was she born with it??
Probably – not.
But that’s According 2 Me
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